Monday, May 15, 2006

This struggle of mine

Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. What's the use of discussing it? What's the point in mentioning it or bringing it up? Where is hope in repeating the same things over and over and over again?
I was silent. Maybe I was silenced, if there's such a word. My spirit is weak, and my flesh is ready to explode.
Here we are again. Same problems, same issues, same statements, same emphasis, same attitude... Something's gotta give. Should it be me? My presence hasn't made a positive effect. I felt useless. I feel useless. What's the point in staying and hoping when it has been so long now? Can I really make a difference? Will things ever turn out for good? Lies of the evil one... why do they seem so true?!!
I know it oh so well. It's never about the team. It's never about the individuals. It's not about the ministry. It's not about the leadership. All these are irrelevant in the light of what this Dream-Giver wants of me.
It's about CHANGING ME. It's about having that difference in me. It's about Christ-likeness - pleasing the Dream-Giver and loving people (even enemies); giving grace, just as much as I have received grace, regardless of the circumstances. And to be frank, I resent that. I am frustrated. He knows it. I can't lie about it. He also knows I love GRACE, because it's good and it's something free, given to all who don't deserve it at all. Given to me. I am without excuse. I have no right to be hopeless. Dang. He's good...
Here we are again. I hate this. I haven't changed. I am still the same.
I need peace. I want hope.
Don't give up on me. Draw near to me. Show me love. Teach me how to love.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Joash, you already have the passion..n i know how it's like to be frustrated and irritated by things that get in 'our' way..but like u know it is His way that matters. Ultimately, no matter what sacrifices we make, it could never compare to the price He paid whilst we were sinners. Sin is dead, it died with Christ on the cross. Remember that although it's there, don't feed it for like a dog continues to bark, sin lacks the bite! Live in His grace n focus on the many positives that u CAN change, rather than on the negatives ya? u have a lot of love to give, may u be blessed in order to bless others